Birthday Party Gone Wrong

Babe hautenge beer ne make up,
Huya ndikufilire cup,
Pano tofara none stop,
Da Da Dancehall Igwe!
Babe kana uine gafa panzvimbo hapadi musindo, shut up udye...

Before everything went wrong, the last thing I remember was hearing those Winky D lyrics playing on the car radio.

I also remember I was the only man mumota imimo, the rest were shawties. Chakandishamisa is why ndakatizwa nana boys nekuda kwavanoita ma nxo nxo.

The truth is those days ndanga ndakungofarira hangu kutamba nezvimoko, because the last time I had a male friend, he was upset with me for hiring chingoro to carry him after adhakwa, and not a taxi.

So it was on a Saturday after watching Kaizer Chiefs beat Pirates when I decided to do what I don’t usually do, which is to go for a party.

I wore a grey pair of jeans, white t shirt,  grey cap and grey adidas sneakers, unongozivawo adidas, its either you wear it or you fear it.

The party I was going to was the 21st birthday of this other hootchy anonzi Chido, her cousin invited me, waibata?

So I arrived at the party, where a lot of cars were parked outside, I parked outside and went in. There were lots of braai stands vana vavanhu vachiita nguruve dzekuita kububuna zvavo.

Kudzi, the birthday girl’s cousin who had invited me, spotted me and came kwandanga ndiri. She gave me a big hug zvekuti ndakatopotsa ndadonha.

“Hey King Law, you made it!” she said to me, achibva andibata ruoko and said  “Come here, come see my cousin the birthday girl.”

“You look beautiful by the way, I said loudly to her tichpinda mumba because the music was so loud, to which she replied, “Thank you hey.”

Takapinda mumba muye, it was only close family members singing for the birthday girl.

Ndakangomirawo kumashure vakaiita yavaiita then tichibva tazobuda hedu panze, ko munongoziva ka ndinonyara vanhu.

I was given a camping chair to sit on then pachibva pazouya dish rakazara nyama and some cokes, sezvo ndisingarove ma fizzy drinks, I just focused on the pork and sausages provided.

Vanhu vakafara vakafara zve but around 20:00, unexpectedly, pakazongobudikirawo porisi.

Yakangosvika nekuenda ku DJ’s box asekuru, ndobva yamuti adzime music and asked for clearance letter ye party, there was none.

Mafaro akabva atovhariswa asekuru, porisi zvese zvekuti paiva paine vana vakaputika haina kuzvitarisa. Pakatomboedzwa kuti ipihwe mari but yakaramba.

So Kudzi came to me zvikanzi “come on lets get out of here.” Ndakangobatwa ruoko takananga panze and her three friends followed.

They came into the car and closed doors, ndakashaya kuti toendepi. I just started the car expecting to be told where we are going, no word came.

“Where to ladies?” I said while breaking the silence.

“Sorry Law, we are just upset over what happened, this is Stella, and thats Yeu and the other one is Kim, they are my friends, can you take us to town tozoita plan tavamo, the night is still young,” said Kudzi in a lengthy response.

I just said, “Pleasure to me ya’ll.”

I drove them to town expecting to drop them there as soon as I got there.

On our way, one of them, the friends, the tightest one who was in shorts said: “Why is he so quiet, kasi ari kutinyara.”

Nechemumoyo ndakangorova ka laugh kaye kekwa Seh Calaz paanoti “Bodyslam haizi yema Sascum” and replied “Not even, Im just concentrating on driving so that I deliver you safely to where you are going. As a matter of fact, I even have a sticker yakanamirwa kuback yakanzi CAUTION: BEAUTIFUL GIRLS ON BOARD.”

They burst into laughter but I just kept quiet, my mind was on the Clasico at the Bernabeu at 22:00.

Takasvika mutown, vangabude mumota, havangabude. Inini usually, if not always, Im a gentleman, but handingatadzeka kuona Clasico because of girls.

“We are here ladies, whats next?” I bravely asked them, mumwe wacho who was tipsy anga akutorara.

10pm dzanga ndakutokwana vana vakango eazer havo mumota jahman, ndakamboenda pa group kuti nditsvage kuti ndiani wandingati angandifonere achiti ndini sekuru huya kumba, the only person ane voice rino matcher sekuru (grandfather) ndiKenso, but he was offline.

Damn! So ndoita sei? Line up yatobuda chii chii paya.

Ndakazongorovera moyo kudombo around 10:30 game ratova ne 30 minutes ratanga ndikati handei munopedzisa party yenyu kuden kwangu, but doro hakuna, kune nyama chete. Apa yanga iri nyama yangu yemwedzi wese, but for the clasico its worth it, Hala Madrid.

We got home pa half time, ndikutarisa kudai, takabatwa 2-0, ini ah.

Team iye yanga yarohwa ne hope, I told two of them to sleep in my bedroom and the other two in the other room, kuitira pudding after game.

Baba maroverwo atikaitwa ne Barcelona that day, ndakabvuma ndenga.

Game rapera manje, ndobva ndati regai ndichinorara, ndakasvika vana two vaye vakarara vasina kufuga mazondo ese ari panze.

I decided to wake up the slim one, obvious she was pretty but had an innocent face, ndakambo filla bed (kuzadza mubhedha).

Ndakamumutsa gently, achibva amuka wena. Hana yangu ndobva bamu! Kurova
“Inga uri sleeping beauty,” I said to her and she smiled. Ndikabva ndati “Sorry to wake you up, I just wanted you to move a bit so that I get space to sleep.

“Its ayt hey, can you get me a glass of water,” she said. I came with it, obva anditi, hope dzangu dzapera, can we watch a movie? Nechemumoyo ndikati mmm, but its okay, bho still. Husiku hurefu kunge Caro.

Takazomboona movie kuenda kurefu here, I just looked at her once, twice and she responded baba. Kudai dai, maoko all over mwana, zvedomba chaizvo.

Before I could remove the lower clothes, ndokwanga kwangosara chete, ndakanzwa nock padoor.

Ini “ah, ndiani this hour? wrong timing.” The nock became louder, I opened the door and boom it was my landlord.

“Mukoma Lawrence ndauya kuti ndikuudzei kuti magetsi ava kupera, sorry nekukumutsai.

I woke up, dzanga ndatova kuma 8 makuseni, only to realize all that was just a dream.